Still in bed. . . .

Here it is, 10.45am, and I am still in bed. . . I am working, but the great thing about my job, is I can do it from anywhere with a wireless internet connection. . . I should actualy get my arse up and shower. But for some reason, I just don't want to.

Mark came by yesterday while I was out, and collected the last of his things. Left his key and access pass as well as the ring I gave him 2 years ago and a long letter which included a print out of my blog. (obviously the reason I moved it). In the letter he goes through the blog entry of my trip to Melbourne and highlights points which make him feel that there was someone else before we broke up. There was someone else, but not in the context that he is assuming. Dean was a breath of fresh air for me. He made me feel excited, and happy, scared, and confused. I had a loving partner, but yet it wasn't enough. There was something missing inside me which I was craving. And although I was unfaithful to Mark towards the end, Mark was still my partner - and I loved him. I still do. He will always be in my heart. The difference is, I was no longer getting what I needed from my relationship.

I read somewhere that a relationship is like a parasitic symbiosis - an intimate partnership which is ultimately about gaining what you need for your life and wellbeing. And when you are no longer getting the things you need, you kill it (the relationship) - moving on to a new host, or symbiotic partner. The time I was with Mark, we both grew. We both learned so many things, and one of those is what not to do next time. I guess thats why every relationship has a learning curve, and the goods and the bads allow you to make sure the next one is better than the last. . . So you don't make the same mistakes again.

We had both grown, and we had used each other to grow in our own ways and directions.

Of course, each relationship that you have, you want it to be the last one - you want it to be the one that takes you to old age. That hope comes with every relationship - but you have to be honest with yourself and your partner. If it isn't going where you want it to, you finish it. Life is precious, why waste it through fear of hurting the other person. You are ultimately hurting them more (and yourself) by dragging it on. You may very well be denying them that potential life partner they could have met today, or tomorrow, because you were too scared to let them go.

Even though I still hurt, every day I know more and more that I have made the right decision.

I am deeply sorry that I hurt him. I don't do hurt very well. It pains me to know what he is feeling, and it pains me that my actions will take away his innocence (or possibly naivety?). But he will be better for it. I will always have a place in my heart for Mark - but it's time to store it away so there's alot more space - and I want to fill it all over again - if you'll let me.

You know, some people reading this might not understand what I am trying to say. But honestly??? These are my thoughts, and they don't have to make that much sense to anyone but myself. If there are any concerns - don't. It's all good, I swear.

You know, now that I have said all this, I feel good. I am going to get out of bed. Open the blinds and balcony door, put on some music and have a shower. Go to gym, solarium, and get some proper work done. There will a spring in my step, and a tune on my lips. It's going to be a great day.

My new life starts. . . . .now.