Roses (not) Only...

So much happened yesterday, that this is gonna seem like a roller coaster ride...

So hang on, hold tight...

Early morning, I get this call from the concierge in the lobby of my work. "Sir, we have a parcel down here for you." I was expecting some software from JD, so thinking that's what it was, I went down to collect it. Nope, no software... it was a bloody big box from Roses Only.

So I take it back upstairs to my desk, with my whole department watching... "Ooh! Aah! Ooh!" "I never get roses!" "What did you do to deserve these? Put out?" Jealous bitches. So opened it up...

A dozen huge long stemmed red roses, a teddy bear, chocolates... and a card - not signed.

I knew who it was from, but I alluded to a secret admirer, just to keep everyone excited...

Roses, teddy bear, chocolates (which I can't eat!). JD is making it harder and harder to keep saying no.

I haven't talked about JD before - but I will leave it for another time.

So flowers aside, the rest of Wednesday was one of the most emotionally traumatic work days you could possibly ever have. Only one work day more traumatic, and that's getting fired...

It was training day. And not just any old training - that's generally not very traumatic - that's right folks, I am talking about... Role Play.

It was the second session of 4 hours of "how to be a better relationship manager" training... our hosts, Darren & Bruce. Bruce you might remember as the tall dark haired cop from Home & Away a few years ago... well, he now works for a company which provides "behavioural change programs empowering individuals, teams and organisations to achieve their full potential..."

Yeah... and you know what? You're right... We all thought the same thing...

So anyway, 4 hours of role play. Standing up in front of people, and improvising as only a true actor can... but we, as non actor folk, had to also do. We had to learn about how to communicate effectively, and stop using barrier words, and how to get results from open questions as opposed to closed questions.

Ultimately it was all about stepping outside your comfort zone... well, I didn't step out of it... I was thrown head first.

In my last role play episode, or should I say fuck-up, I just couldn't do it anymore. I was nervous, I was sweating, I thought I was going to throw up. So I am called up for my turn and the thing is I am generally a fairly quiet speaking person (unless I am drunk...) and knowing I am quiet, Bruce uses that as an opportunity to discuss how we should change our tone and volume to ALIGN ourselves with the person to whom we are speaking. And he chooses to do it in a soft, almost feminine voice... Like he was talking to a scared little 5 year old child. So I snapped at him... "I can see how changing your voice to suit could work, but to me I am finding you just a little condescending".... mhmm...

So moving on, I was so fucked up they basically had to coax me through the whole thing... and when I had finished, they applauded and congratulated me for "stepping totally out of my zone"... Yeah... what I wanted to do right then was step totally on his zone... the one surrounding his head.

I was an absolute mess. I sat down and all I could do was watch the clock.
Tick...
Tick...
Tick...
5pm came and I couldn't get out of there fast enough.

I swear if NCS sends me to another one of those sessions I will sue for mental anguish...

So being the fragile petal that I can sometimes be, I go back to work, bitch for 30 minutes with everyone else who had been dragged through the process earlier, picked up my gorgeous big box of roses, and headed home. Via Dan Murphy's. Me, my roses, some yummy soy cheese and crackers, and Cyn. Perfect way to wind down after a very emotional day.

Well, it got me thinking. It's been almost a year since I left Mark. And 6 months since Dean.

What was I so afraid of? I have spent 6 months saying NO. My determination to have a year without the stresses and dramas of a boyfriend? To what end? What really was the purpose. And it dawned on me... I'm scared. I'm scared of fucking things up again. I'm scared of getting it all wrong and hurting someone else. I have been making a point of not getting attached to anyone.

I have also spent the past 12 months regretting and hating what I did, and I needed some closure. I needed to be told that it was OK. We all make mistakes. I wanted to be told by one person in particular. And I wanted him to tell me that he is happy now. Most of all I needed to tell him how sorry I was. So I called Mark. He told me that it was OK, that yes people do make mistakes, and we learn from them. And most importantly, he told me that he was happy.

So where does that leave me? I feel relieved. I feel like I have been forgiven. I think I don't need to spend a year building this shield around me. And I don't need to keep pushing people away.

Maybe not quite time to let someone in, but we'll see what happens.