1 day, 7 hours and 25 minutes. . . .

So Sunday . . . sooo hot, I think it was about 34 degrees. . and apart form the wind that was picking up over the course of the day, it was absolutely stunning. Blue sky, searing sun. . . perfect for lazing around catching some rays. AJ and I spent a few hours sitting in the beer garden at the Rose Hotel on Cleveland Street, talking about boys etc. Nice. . .

Ended up back at AJs with a few long necks and more laying in the sun.

Monday, woke up with a minor hang over. . . combination of the sun and beer. . . ha ha of course, maybe more of the beer than the sun. . .

Had PJ & CW over for drinks on Monday night. It was fun, spent the night drinking too much, and playing Scene It and 20th Anniversary Trivial Pursuit.

I won at Scene It. . . . Who spends too much time watching DVDs?? Hmmmm. . . .
Craig won Trivial Pursuit. . . not by much though :op

It was all good though.

Met Dove for coffee after his job interview on Tuesday. Oh my god. I was meeting him at QVB, and he walks towards me and I swear I didn't know the guy. I don't think I have ever seen this boy dress up before. EVER!

Actually looks respectable. He should dress like this more often. Ha ha ha.

Had my specialist appointment on Wednesday morning. PJ picked me up at 8, got to StLeonards early and went in hoping for an earlier appointment than 9.15. . . After spending 15 minutes looking through childrens books I got in at 9. Lots of funny bendy tests and stuff. . . all left my hand a little tender, but all good. Need to go back in another month to see where the healing is at. Then he will decide whether they will operate. Doc said there was a chance that since the nerve running up the arm that provides all the sensation in your hand was now attached to the scar tissue, there would be a risk of damaging this nerve during surgery. . . . but we will have to wait and see next month as to what will be done. . . .

So after docs, had some brunch at Chatswong Westfields. . . forgot there were so many hot boys in Chatswood. . . :op

Mark came over at 5 - discovered he has a new boyfriend. . . hmmm. . . didn't take him long, since only 3 weeks ago he was still putting the guilt trip on me. . . "Why! I thought you were the one! Blah, blah, blah. . . ." and just 3 weeks later, he has a new "the one"! I'm not upset at all - just pissed off that he put me through so much guilt and bullshit - and he seemed to be over it all so quickly. COuld have saved me a lot of crap if he had just left it all alone back when we broke up.

It's now 12.50pm. . . . that means only 1 day, 7 hours and 25 minutes til Dean arrives! Yay! I swear I am gonna jump him right there at the arrivals lounge. . . . Of course it's not all about sex. . . I just can't wait to see him. The past month has been excrutiating. We have both been going crazy being limited to telephone calls. . . . Except for that video call. . . mmmm, thanks babe :o) See you tomorrow night!!!! We are going to have the best long weekend.

Chalks is coming up to Sydney tonight, in preparation for his Sleaze weekend. . . so hopefully we will meet up for a drink or two. Don't want to make it a big one, since I will need plenty of rest. . . .

How would you be. . . . .

Listless. . .

Meeting this morning was good. Very well received. Funny. . . I think this is the first time I have referred to anything work related. . . Well, went over to Rosebery today for a meeting with a prospective advertiser. We are really focussing at the moment on getting some full integrated content sponsors and advertisers on our Gay network sites. Its a hard slog, since most agencies in Australia are too scared to recommend marketing to the Gay community to their clients. Which is why we have sarted approaching the clients directly. . . Does cause some issues with the agencies, however they will soon learn that the market is there, its untapped, and if they don't work with us, they will be the ones losing out.

So anyway, after the meeting I went home, did some brainstorming with AJ, and then spent a couple of hours on some boring accounts work.

About 5.00, headed down to gym had a really solid workout. Prep for next week. . . :)
Then it was off to the solarium. Standing in the solarium, I started feeling a bit fuzzy. Ended up blacking out. Fell over (I was in the stand up one). All very messy. Decided to end my session a few monutes early and I sat on the cold floor of the room for a couple of minutes til I settled down. Got dressed and left. It happened again on the short walk home, while I was talking to Dean on the phone. It was all a bit scarey, since I haven't blacked out since I landed head first into the tatami during a Judo tournament when I was 16.

So ended up going home and just chilling out for an hour or so. Cool shower, then laying on the couch.

I thought it may have come from the fact that I had eaten pretty much nothing all day and the whole day was pretty busy and intense, then to go do a weight session and a solarium was probably all too much for my bod to handle.

Note to self: eat more, be good to your body.

Spoke to Dean. . . He was on his break and running around frantically tracking down Janets new album. It isn't due for release until tomorrow, but he was determined to find a retailer that would have it on the shelf early. . . . After a few disappointing NO's, he finally found it at Target. Listening to him being so excited when he found it, was so cute. I so wanted to be there and jump around with him :o)
You are so beautiful Dean Christopher . . . I was so excited for you, and listening to how happy you were, made me feel so happy as well. . . :o)

It was so nice outside tonight. Perfectly clear, cloudless pitch-black sky, full of stars, still 26 degrees, and an ever so slight breeze that took the daytime heat out the air.

I decided to go for a walk. Almost listless, I drifted around harbourside, looking at all the people, the families, the kids playing, the couples sitting on the wharf watching the city lights. After a while, I found myself walking up into the city. So decided to just walk and see where I end up. I was heading in the direction of Surry Hills, so to avoid Oxford Street, I took all the back streets. It was nice, lots of people out walking, taking advantage of the wonderfully balmy evening.

I really wished I wasn't doing this walk alone. I wanted to be one of those couples, walking arm in arm, laughing and being silly, or sitting in the little cafe having a coffee together and talking about their day. **Sigh. . .** I want this. . .

The distance is driving me crazy. . . Not long now. . . 8 days. I can't wait to see you Dean . . . The wait is almost painful. . .


Foot note : The Sydney Swans won their match tonight : 19 13 (127) to 14 8 (92) over Fremantle! Into the Grand Final! I see back to back champions. . . . GO THE SWANNIES!!!!

Smooth as a babys. . . .

So yesterday was massage and waxing day! yay! Hobbled all the way over to Surry Hills. Nice place, love it there. Promised myself to make a habit of getting over there on a regular basis for a little pampering. We all need it, and surely I can forego one trashy night out a month and reward myself with a facial or a massage or a body wrap, right? Good. Cos that's the plan.

So anyway, this was going to be my first. . . ahem, brazilian. . . mhmm. I am certainly not a hairy guy, but I hate the little hair that i do have. So I decided to see what it would be like. Had heard alot about it, and that included some pretty scarey stories. I have had my chest waxed before, and that was always quite painful, since the skin on your chest is very thin (or so I was advised was the reason). So actually getting my nether-regions done was a little nerve racking.

Standing in the room with the chick that was going to do it, she explains the process. Great! Draw me a picture before you commence the genital torture session! Then she says so matter-of-factly, "OK, take all your clothes off and lie on this bed face down." Heard it before, but just not from a girl. . . ha ha ha
From then on, it was a strange combination of awkwardness, sensuousness and discomfort verging on pain. Let me explain. . The pain doesn't need explaining, The awkwardness obviously comes from the fact that I am laying there, naked, on a bed, feeling very vulnerable. The sensuousness being someone was massaging oils and powder into my bum and ah, other areas. Certainly was a very emotionally conflicting sensation. . . nice having someone tickling my balls, but hey, not only is it a chick, but in a few minutes said chick is gonna be holding up my balls hanging from a strip of fabric like flies on fly paper : "Oops, ahh, don't worry, you won't need these. . . ."

Buttocks complete - time to flip over to do the front. . . mhmm. . . . OK, I had two fears of this moment, either I was going to be somewhat aroused from the nervousness, or the pain would cause horrendous shrinkage. Well, I faltered for a moment a little embarrassed and I said, "um, I don't think I can roll over just yet. I am having an, err, reaction I wasn't quite expecting . . ." (read : erection) And she says "Oh, don't worry, it happens with some guys, and doesn't mean anything, it has to do with the sensitivity of the skin afterwards. Its fine, just roll over!"

Thank God from then on it was all done with a small (not too small thank you) towel draped over any parts that weren't directly being 'done'. And even better, I got to hold things out of the way myself as she was working.

So about an hour later, it was all done. I was suprisingly not as sore as I thought I would be. Don't get me wrong, it bloody hurt. But once the initial sensation dies down (a few seconds) it feels fine.

So she finished the whole thing off with aloe vera massaged into my chest, and teatree oil into my bits and butt. . . strangely pleasant :op

Massage after that. mmmmm. Almost didnt want to leave when it was all over. But, alas, time was up. :o(

Headed out into the street and called PJ. PJ was supposed to pick me up at 1.30 and take me to lunch, then off to my appointment with the hand surgeon in St Leonards. Well, as expected, he was asleep. "I'll call you again in an hour". So I went home and had lunch, all the time sceptical as to whether PJ will show. I understand that he was on night shift, and that he was gonna be tired. But I would hope that if someone says that they will be OK and can do something, then they should follow through. Then to say we are still on, just not lunch, I will call you in an hour. . . well. . . . he didn't call so I knew I was going alone.

So just as I was going to leave to make my way to the Docs on my own, they called and said he had been called to emergency surgery, so we will need to reschedule. Lucky. So now its on for next Wednesday morning. I will be glad to get this over with.

Spent the rest of the day in doors. Since I didn't have docs appointment, I could have gone outside and spent the day basking in the glorious 30 degree Sydney day. But, oh no. . . no sweat and no sun for atleast 24 hours. . . the sweat will make the waxed parts rash, and the sun will burn it too easily. So I hung out in my dark living room, watched Alias on DVD. . . . shame to waste such a nice day.

Told Dean that I can't make it to Melbourne for Paulines birthday this weekend :o( I am so disappointed, but unfortunately work comes first. It's not easy having a start up company, and time is valuable.

I really miss Dean so much, it's driving me crazy being restricted to MSN and telephone calls. The boy has really got me hooked. Missing you baby! Atleast I will get to see you next weekend!!!!

Well, thats it for today. It's been fun.

My kind of cleaner. . . . .

This requires no further comment. . . .

More Blaah. . .

Another 4 day gap between blog entries. . . . I swear I will get into this properly and blog on a more regular basis.

So here we go, round up of the past 4 days:

Wednesday night, sitting at home having a few bevvies, I was heading for the kitchen when I kicked my toe on the bloody gym equipment that is still packed up in boxes taking over my hallway. OW!!! It was gross, cos my little toe was bent at 45 degrees to the rest of my foot. . . :o(

I spent the rest of the night laying on the couch with ice / frozen peas / frozen carrots resting on it. I decided the best way to deal with it was to drink more and add a few painkillers in the mix. Woo Hoo! It worked :o)

So Thursday morning I went to the docs, thinking it was probably dislocated. . . Xray time. Got the Xrays done, woah! Its not just a fracture, its bloody well broken in half!

Pretty isn't it!



So anyway, they had to push the toe back into place, (which hurt. . .) and tape it up. "So since it was a full break, 5 to 6 weeks and it will be right as rain. Go home, rest it up, see you later." Thats it! Wheres my full leg cast? I want people to write on it! I want it to look like an extreme sports injury. . . . I can't hobble around with a bit of tape on my foot! People will think I am a loser.

So this is it now. . . nothing very exciting.



Saturday - Another beautiful sunny Sydney day. . . . so sat out in Tumbalong Park at Darling Harbour, reading the newspaper and perving on this straight couple. . . the guy was hot, and they were laying on the grass, and the chick kept holding his, ahem, ample bulge. . . mmmmm. . . . (it's OK babe, I was just looking!!! Love your bulge more anyday. . . xxx)

So Saturday night was PJs birthday. . . . It was supposed to be 6 of us for dinner and drinks : Me, PJ, Dove, SLD, SLD's friend & M. Well, SLD & Co piked out. . .understandably as he had a flu before the day so I was almost expecting the canellation anyway. Dove cancelled - because he went out the night before and was horriby hung over. So tired of inconsiderate, unreliable friends. . . . Who's angry with Dove right now??? Mhmm. . . .

So anyway, it ended up being PJ and Me only. Nice drinks, dinner at Twelve on King St, Newtown. The on our way back to the Newtown, we stop in a clothes shop so PJ can buy jeans that better suited his shoes. . . The poor boy that worked there wasn't sure how to take us. . . both of us drunk, PJ trying on jeans, me taking photos of PJ trying on jeans. . . ha ha ha.
I promised PJ I wouldn't post the pics of him trying on jeans. . . I will comply. . . for the time being.

Then more drinks at the Newtown hotel, and then a stagger down to the Imperial. Yeah. . .the Imperial. . . . Got in the front door, paid our $5, walked to the back bar where the drag shows are on, and this security dude PUSHES me all the way to the front door and pushed me outside! Arsehole! Yes PJ and I were a little inebriated, but certainly not to the extent that required me to be ejected. Shittiest thing was, we had only just paid our entry fee and walked inside! The prick wouldn't even give us our money back. So we decided that we would stand out the front and make as much noise and we could. . . ha ha ha it was so funny. . . . "Be Careful! Don't go in there! They take your money and then kick you out!! hahahah " Looking back, it was prety stupid, but it was kinda fun at the time. . . .

So we took off for Oxford Street. . . you have to be verging on catatonic before they stop you going into a bar there. . . so we knew we would be fine.

The rest is a blur. . . bumped into lots of friends, but fucked if I can remember half of it. Just the reminders, SMS's and MSN messages saying "Hi, it was great to see you last night. . . how trashed were you! Oh my God. . . ."

Yeah. . . . . .

I thought I lost my fone on Saturday night. . . . when I woke up on Sunday (with the worst hangover ever) I couldn't find my phone. . . OH GOD!!! That phone not only has all my contacts (which had not been backed up), but it had months of photos. . . some of which were of a questionable nature. . . you know how boys are when it comes to digital cameras. . . . "How will it look on this angle???. . ."

But thankfully after a long wait to hear from PJ, turns out I left it in his car. So my pics (and my. . . pride) were kept intact. . . Yay!

I promise from now on, all pics will be routinely copied to my PC and the naughty ones removed from my phone ( after I have sent them to you, DC :op ). . . .

All Sunday was spent laying on the couch, eating, and watching Alias . . . Gotta love her disguises, but one has to wonder how a spy can get away with dressing in those outfits and wearing bright coloured wigs. . . . . aren't spies supposed to blend in? Only in Hollywood I guess. . . .

Puberty Pals. . . .

Wrist Pics

As weird as this might be. . . Below are a couple of the CT Scan pics of my wrist. Picked them up today from the docs. They look kinda creepy but cool. . . .

Catch up Part 2

So where was I. . . .

OK, so Saturday night, I get a message from my mum.

"Ava Grace. 8lb 2oz. 51cm" My little brother and his fiance, Amy, had a baby girl.
Yay! Jack is so proud, he sounds like he is almost going to cry every time we talk. Sweet. . . .

Such a beautiful little girl, and a beautiful name to match.

So cute - she obviously takes after her handsome Uncle. . . .

I see the similarity, and no I don't mean the hair. . . .

Sunday - Had to wake up in time to move the car. . . 8am. Shit, its 8.45! Aaaargghhh!!! I jumped out of bed, splashed water, spritzed, dressed and ran out the door. . . all I need a fucking parking ticket!!! Luckily, no ticket. But since I was already dressed and had to move the car anyway, time to call Craig and arrange breakfast.

Determined to do things that would not usually be possible without a car, we drove to Randwick for breakfast. . . Spent the rest of the day driving around aimlessly. . . didn't really matter what we were doing, it was just nice to be driving again. . . ahhhhh. . . . I so need to buy a car.

Sunday night was spent watching DVDs, and frantic messaging between me and dean. Toal textual conversation.

Every message I get from him makes me light up. I get so excited. Every phone call, every time I see his number come up on my phone. It's hard to explain, but I just feel so happy.

12 days til I see him again.

Monday - OK, so once again, frantic wake up - God, car has to be back at 8! Mad rush showering, dressing, screaming off to the petrol station to fill up. Can you believe that if I returned the car without a full tank, they charge $2.84 per litre!!!! Fuck off! So I did it myself at the Shell near my house. Returned the car, no dramas.

Had my appointment for CT scan and Ultrasound at 9.30. . . interesting. And I thought Ultrasounds were only for looking at unborn babies. And CT Scans were for head trauma. Well there you go. So it was kinda cool watching the ultrasound. Seeing inside my arm was kinda neat!

Anyway, after that went back to docs to get the results interpretted. Turns out theres confirmation my tendon was partially severed, and since the hospital I was originally treated at didn't do anything about it, just sewed me up, the scar tissue developed attached to my skin - so technically my tendon and wrist are stuck together. Noice. . . . .

So not only did the hospital fuck up the stitching (another doc told me the stitches were done poorly), they also didnt repair the internal damage before sewing me up and sending me home! Bastards!

So, now I have to go see a Hand Surgeon. Some specialist who is going to do an MRI scan on my arm to see exactly what they will need to do. Good chance I will be sliced back open and everything cleaned back up. Shit - if this happens, there is another month of rehabilitation. A month of not being able to go to gym. Flabby bod here I come. A month of not being able to open bottles & jars. And, God forbid, another month of not being able to jerk off. . . .

***Dean. . . can you spare a hand (amongst other things) for a month? I need you. . . .***

Even worse. . . surgery will mean I won't be able to go to Sleaze. . . noooooooo! I was so looking forward to the party. Dean and co were coming up. It was gonna be a blast. The sweetest thing though, Dean told me that if I can't go to Sleaze, he isn't going to go either. Sweet. I still think he should go. But he wants to spend the weekend with me. . . . ***and endorphins released. . . now. . . . ahhhhhh. . . . .***

Brings me up to this evening. Again, at home, watching TV, writing my blog, and keeping up to date with goings on in good old Parkville. . . I love hearing about all their dramas. . . :op

That's it for today. It's been fun.

Catch up Part 1

It's been a few days. So heres a run down :

Friday - Had a meeting with a new potential client - which by the end became a confirmed client. Yay! Had a visit to the doc about my wrist. A new doctor, and she is great, really nice and made me feel comfortable - definitely going to be my permanent doc, me thinks. Turns out she agrees that it had been handled badly by my previous doc (I chose a new doc for this very reason. I wanted a second opinion.)
So she booked me in for an UltraSound and CT scan for first thing Monday morning. Finally someone actually doing something to find out why my wrist is still crusty and swollen.

After that I went and picked up my little sister Kim's 21st birthday pressie - a sterling silver necklace with a 'k'on it - from Tiffany & Co. at Martin Place. Such a nice store, I felt special being in there. . . ha, ha, ha. She better bloody appreciate the fact it is Tiffany's. . . I have been assured that every girl dreams of getting jewellery from Tiffany's. Actually, after seeing the things in there, Tiffany's is now on my wish list too. . . . Take Note, People!. . .

So anyway, I was supposed to go out for Hamish' birthday later that night, but since I was driving up to Inverell early Saturday morning for Kims birthday bash, I sent my apologies, and settled in to a quiet night in front of the TV (again). I really wanted to go, since I havent really been out for a trashy night with the boys for ages. I miss them all. :o(

Saturday morning, 6am. Woke up after only 5 hours sleep. . . so tired. . . I had to pick up my rental car from Star City at 8, thank God I fully packed the night before. . . booked a Toyota Corolla. . . nice little comfy Japanese car that would be frugal with the fuel, but comfy enough for the horrid 8 hour drive. . . .

Get to the Avis car rental place and complete all the crap to collect my car. Suddenly the Avis dude pulls up and gets out of a 3 door 1.3l Hyundai Getz. Walks over to me and hands me the keys. This is how the conversation went :

Me: (With a seriously quizzical look on my face)"Ummm, what's that?"
Avis Dude: (With an equally quizzical look on his face) "Your car sir?"
Me: (Now with a total look of digust) "Aaah, Yeah, I don't think so."
AD: "I'm sorry?"
Me: "I ordered a Toyota Corolla - this is not a Toyota Corolla. This a a cheap nasty Korean piece of crap."
AD: "I'm sorry Sir, but you booked the Group A car, and this is the Group A car."
Me: "No, I don't think so. Do I look like I would book and then be happy driving this shit? Yeah, I definitely ordered the Corolla."
AD: "Ok Sir, let me see what we have. . . "

So we went back inside, and he gets all excited and says "Ooh, I can upgrade you to our Group C car!" At this time he points at the chart, and it is a Holden Astra. OK, think I can manage that. . . they're cute, I used to have a Vectra, so just a mini Vectra. "OK, thats fine, I will take that one."

So he goes out to get my replacement car. Suddenly this baby poo greenish Hyundai Elantra pulls up, and fuck me dead, the Avis dude gets out all beaming cos he has another satisfied customer. Well, he wasn't smiling for long. . . .

Me: "Another Korean car? What's the deal here, man? Your chart shows Corolla's, Astra's and Commodores. . . . You substitute quality cars for these, and charge the same rental? How does that work?"
Avis Dude: "Im sorry sir, I can only offer you this or a 4WD"
Me: "Fine, this will have to do. But I'm not impressed."

So there I was, settling into a crappy Elantra for an 8 hour drive up to Inverell. . . oh joy. . . .

Heading up the freeway, absolutely pissing down with rain. Bumper to bumper. It's a 110KPH zone, and in 10m visibility everyone is going 40KPH. . . at this rate, the 90 minute leg to the New England Highway was gonna take 3 hours. . .

I had had enough, time to turn around. Fuck this. It was going to end up taking 12 hours to get to Inverell, I was going to miss dinner and the whole trip would have been wasted. So I turned around and went back to Sydney. . .

Loser. . . . .

So, here I am. Thursday night. At home, on my own. Heater on, under a blanket, watching bullshit television. Oh and blogging (obviously).

Tonight I had tickets to INXS at The Big Top, Luna Park. Tickets - $100 each. . . .
Do I have anyone to go with? No! The person who was supposed to go with me has an assignment to do, so cancelled - TODAY. So that left me with just a few hours to find someone else. PJ - Working. Dove - Working. CW - Working. Bazz - Overseas. Dean - 1200kms away (sigh...) So I spent the afternoon on e-fucking-Bay to try and flog them off there. Turns out some fucker died, so their friend was selling off all their 7 tickets for $50 each, since they were all too sad to go to the concert. Me thinks if my friend died, I would have other things on my mind than trying to recover costs on concert tickets. Bastard.

Well that also made it pretty hard to sell mine for anything more than bugger all. So I tried my luck for a little while, but all I got were emails from people saying "Will you take $50 for two? Cos this other guy is selling his for $50"

They are fucking blood tickets dude! Some poor bastard died and his friends are trying to reclaim lost expense since they cant get to the concert! Do you want that on your conscience?

Anyway, so I dropped mine to $100 for both tix. Nothing. It was too late anyway. Who in their right mind is roaming eBay at 6pm to get a chance at cheap tickets to a concert that starts in an hour and a half!

I had all my friends calling around, to try and get a buyer. No luck. Dean finally finds someone who will take them. . . . for nothing! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! The same guy wouldn't buy them for $100 - but takes them for free!

So I decided that giving them away was better than just throwing the tix in the bin.

BUT - After saying OK to Deans friend Chris taking the tickets, I find out that Dove actually wasn't at work! His fone was off for some reason or another. And he says "oh, yeah I would have gone with you!" Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Too fucking late! By this time it was 7.30 and no way we could have got our shit together and made it to Milsons Point by 8.30. . . .

So thats why I am sitting here tonight. No concert, no tickets, no fucking nothing. Blaaah.

Chris just picked up the tickets. He seemed so happy. Of course he is fucking happy, he has someone to hang out with tonight at a fucking INXS concert with tickets worth $200 and he paid shit for them. I would be happy too!

Now I have vented, I feel much better. Still mildly pissed off. . . not at Chris - I would take free tickets if I got offered them too. . . . He's a nice guy. And he thinks I'm hot. So that makes him OK. :o)

Im pissed off at myself for not organising better. And pissed off that I didn't just go anyway. I am sure I would have found someone there to hang out with. I am too lazy. Too content to stay at home cos it was cold and wet.

Loser.

Tony Moran

Tony Moran (DJ extraordinaire)is playing at the Homesexual Xtreme Party the day after Sleaze. . . .

I am soooooo going. . . . .

Still in bed. . . .

Here it is, 10.45am, and I am still in bed. . . I am working, but the great thing about my job, is I can do it from anywhere with a wireless internet connection. . . I should actualy get my arse up and shower. But for some reason, I just don't want to.

Mark came by yesterday while I was out, and collected the last of his things. Left his key and access pass as well as the ring I gave him 2 years ago and a long letter which included a print out of my blog. (obviously the reason I moved it). In the letter he goes through the blog entry of my trip to Melbourne and highlights points which make him feel that there was someone else before we broke up. There was someone else, but not in the context that he is assuming. Dean was a breath of fresh air for me. He made me feel excited, and happy, scared, and confused. I had a loving partner, but yet it wasn't enough. There was something missing inside me which I was craving. And although I was unfaithful to Mark towards the end, Mark was still my partner - and I loved him. I still do. He will always be in my heart. The difference is, I was no longer getting what I needed from my relationship.

I read somewhere that a relationship is like a parasitic symbiosis - an intimate partnership which is ultimately about gaining what you need for your life and wellbeing. And when you are no longer getting the things you need, you kill it (the relationship) - moving on to a new host, or symbiotic partner. The time I was with Mark, we both grew. We both learned so many things, and one of those is what not to do next time. I guess thats why every relationship has a learning curve, and the goods and the bads allow you to make sure the next one is better than the last. . . So you don't make the same mistakes again.

We had both grown, and we had used each other to grow in our own ways and directions.

Of course, each relationship that you have, you want it to be the last one - you want it to be the one that takes you to old age. That hope comes with every relationship - but you have to be honest with yourself and your partner. If it isn't going where you want it to, you finish it. Life is precious, why waste it through fear of hurting the other person. You are ultimately hurting them more (and yourself) by dragging it on. You may very well be denying them that potential life partner they could have met today, or tomorrow, because you were too scared to let them go.

Even though I still hurt, every day I know more and more that I have made the right decision.

I am deeply sorry that I hurt him. I don't do hurt very well. It pains me to know what he is feeling, and it pains me that my actions will take away his innocence (or possibly naivety?). But he will be better for it. I will always have a place in my heart for Mark - but it's time to store it away so there's alot more space - and I want to fill it all over again - if you'll let me.

You know, some people reading this might not understand what I am trying to say. But honestly??? These are my thoughts, and they don't have to make that much sense to anyone but myself. If there are any concerns - don't. It's all good, I swear.

You know, now that I have said all this, I feel good. I am going to get out of bed. Open the blinds and balcony door, put on some music and have a shower. Go to gym, solarium, and get some proper work done. There will a spring in my step, and a tune on my lips. It's going to be a great day.

My new life starts. . . . .now.

Lactose Intolerant. . .

I am lactose intolerant, and I found this clip on YouTube where Cyndi is singing a song on David Letterman - to the tune of Time After Time. Turns out she sang it cos David Letterman is lactose intolerant too. But really I think she sang it for me. . . . :o)

Trash. . .

AndyPandy called at 8pm to tell me that they were on their way to the city for the birthday at Slide - after telling me they werent coming in until 9! So i rushed around trying to get ready as fast as I could. . . and that isn't very fast, you know. . . it takes a lot of work to look this hot :op Blue jeans, light blue french-cuff shirt, tan boots and tobacco/sky pinstripe suit jacket. What can I say, impeccable taste :o)

So anyway, mad rush out the door at 8.40. . . met Andy & his man Drew at the Midnight Shift for some pre-Slide beers and a couple of games of pool. The place is a dive. We left there about 10, and there were still only 20 people in the whole place. Worse still, they were all. . . how do I say. . .completely unfortunate looking. . .

Moved on to Slide - this place is hot. I love it, totally my favourite bar on Oxford St. Classy. Sexy patrons, fabulous outfits, the hot bar boys wear black kilts. . . ***pant, pant, pant***. What more can I say. . .

So met the birthday girl, Fi - gorgeous, funny, alot of fun. She was a hoot. Also met strange preschool teacher names Jodie. . . she was really nice, and I think I spent most of the night talking to just Fi & Jodie. Drank way too much.

Staggered on to upstairs Shift after that. Nice, but waaaaay too many gym bunnies. Too much muscle and too much hyperactive testosterone. And that was just the Lesbians. . .

So imagine my frame dancing along side men with biceps bigger than my thighs. . . . I felt soooo inadequate. ((Note to self, double weight training schedule & halve junkfood intake. . .))
So finally left there about 3am and went downstairs to the main bar. Ran into lots of friends, which was fun, but unfortunately by that stage I was well and truly trashed. . . so not really a good look. Honestly, I don't know what I'm worried about, since all my friends see me that way every time I'm out!

Staggered home about 5.30. Slept all of 2 hours and got woken up by the fucker next door with his bad music and even worse singing. So I crawled out from under my hangover, long enough to grab a drink and lots of pills. . .

Finally dragged myself out of bed at 1.45pm - to get my arse over to Bondi Westfields to collect my suit jacket from AG. The right sleeve had been shortened by 1cm. Oh, did you know? I'm a freak. . . my left arm seems to be 1cm longer than my right arm. But its ok, I am balanced out since my right nut hangs about 1cm lower than my left. . .
Where was I. . . yeah, went to Bondi and met Dove for a (bad) coffee then picked up my jacket from AG. Chick there was Stephanie. She seemed nice, but was really set on getting me to buy this hot blue striped shirt . . .

I want it, but I will get DC to get it for me in Melbourne and send it up to me - maybe I will get my two pairs of pants back while he is at it. . . hmmm??? :op

So by this time I was totally buggered, eyes felt like there was sand in them, and my legs just didn't want to carry me anymore. So dragged myself home, made dinner and here I am. Having a beer, lounging around, writing in my blog.

Thats it for today. It's been fun.

A Beautiful Day. . . .

Only 2 days out of Winter, and today was beautiful!

28 degrees, totally blue sky, what my friend calls "Faux Summer". . . you know, those unseasonal days. . . tricks you into thinking summer is coming, but in a few days it will be horrible and cold again. . . So determined not to waste the day inside (again) I walked from my place at Darling Harbour to Hyde Park in the City, sat against a statue of Captain James Cook and read my book (The Bourne Supremacy) for half an hour.



But it was so noisy being in the city. . . Centennial Park beckons!! So walked up Oxford Street to Centennial Park and spent a few hours sprawled on a rock, reading, and getting as much sun as I could. It was perfect. Beautiful day, quiet, no one to annoy me, or convince me to do something else. . . Perfect.



Got a call from my friend Andy - going to birthday drinks at Slide (my favourite bar) . . . so now I have plans tonight! And to think I was set for an evening in front of the TV. . . :o)

Welcome. . . again. . .

So. . . . since my blog has been discovered by the one person who I had hoped would never find it, it has been moved. So since you are reading this, then you know where it went! Hmm, not sure if that makes sense. Oh well. Welcome anyway.

Melbourne. . . .

OK, this is gonna be a huge entry. I have not blogged in weeks, and last Wednesday I went to Melbourne. . . so here goes. . . .

Virgin Blue on a 3.15pm flight. Boarding was at 2.45, but was delayed due to some old bird having an accident getting off the plane. It was also explained to us that people in row numbers 1 to 15 can board using the normal walkway to the front door, but everyone past row 15 had to go down the stairs and walk across the tarmac and walk up the stairs again at the rear door! I looked at my boarding pass. . . row 19?? Row fucking 19?? There was no way I was taking the common folk trailer trash sub economy class manual trip outside to the rear of the plane! Fuck that! So I went up to the counter, feigning a slight limp, and explained that I had hurt my leg and there was no way I could do the rear door, let alone carrying my hand luggage while negotiating the stairs down and back up again. . . she looked sympathetically at me and with a motherly sort of sweetness, "Now don't you worry about that, you can use the front doors AND you can go in during the first call to give you time to get to your seat." Woo Hoo!!, umm, I mean, thank you very much. . .

So, on the plane, all set up, sat next to whinging poms. . . For fuck's sake, what else could possibly add to this flight??? I was actually waiting for the overweight, asthmatic, 112yo grandmother who was going to cough phlem and show me photos of all her 37 grandchildren. . . but luckily that didn’t happen.

So, I chose not to look at the whinging poms, as I didn't really want to have to speak with them. . . luckily they pretty much pretended I wasn't there either, except for the occasional stare at my scars on my arm . . . I am sure they signaled each other with the 'Psycho' shower stabbing scene motion on their arms "Ree! Ree! Ree! Ree! Ree!" Who cares, I am sure they would have used it as an opportunity to whinge that their scars weren't big enough. . . I could have helped them with that. . .

Back to the story. . . So, I was nervous as all hell. . . oh, that’s the part I didn’t mention earlier. I was going not only to see my family, but to see DC. Sigh. . . I was nervous because I was seeing DC, but also because he had spoken so much about me to his friends, that I felt like I had so much to live up to when I met them!

Three Gin & Tonics later, and the nerves were all gone. . . thank the Lord for alcohol! Also read the Virgin Blue in-flight magazine, 'Voyeur', bloody brilliant mag filled with inspirational shit for people wanting to excel in business and wealth management. God, you have to love Sir Richard. The man inspires me.

So, arrive at Melbourne airport. Call DC to let him know I am here. A few minutes later, a sexy white Mercedes 4WD pulls up in front of me, and this drop dead gorgeous boy runs around the car with the biggest, most beautiful smile I have ever seen. This boy was seriously excited about me being there! Of course, at that moment, seeing him there, I knew I had nothing to be nervous about, and I had made the right decision to go down there to see him.

Talked all the way back to his house in Parkville. Nice 3 story terrace house that he shares with an eclectic bunch . . . all very nice of course!

We then proceeded to, ahem, 'rolled around on the bed'. God it was so good to be with him again, touch his sexy body, and kiss his beautiful lips.
I felt so comfortable.

Later, Imma and Chalks came over dragging behind them shopping for DCs house. I had met Chalks in Sydney previously, and he was a sweetheart, so that was easy. Imma, on the other hand was new to me. But she just come straight over and gave me a hug and a kiss. So friendly and genuine. I would come to see later during the week that all his friends were the same. . . what the hell was I worried about!

We headed to Hairy Canary, a cute little café/bar on Little Collins Street. Shared a couple of bottles of peringa estate, ate some tapas and talked.
Again I felt so comfortable.

After that, went back to DC's and. . . Rolled around a bit more. . .

Virtually no sleep . . . it was crazy! We couldn't keep still, or keep our hands off each other. . . God he is so hot . . . sigh. . .

So Thursday morning came around . . . and we proceeded to . . . well, roll around a bit. . .

Got up late and went to Palate on Greville street in Prahran for breakfast - I had a moderate breaky (eggs, toast, coffee, DC had what's called the "Starvin' Marvin". Holy shit that boy can eat!!!

After breakfast, it was raining, so we headed to a shopping centre at Chadstone and shared sorbet at Trampoline then went and saw 'Snakes on a Plane'. That movie scared the crap out of me! It wasn't scary like a horror movie, it was just creepy as all hell. I jumped atleast 5 times, three times with my hand over my mouth, and spent most of the movie trying to keep my feet off the ground. . .

Thursday night we were going to see the Veronicas at The Palais in St Kilda.
We drove by the entrance, and we were horrified by what we saw. . . . hundreds of 10-14 year old girls. . . . and just one gay couple. NO FUCKING WAY!!! So we ditched the idea of the concert. Didn’t even try to sell the tickets, since we would have looked pretty nasty trying to scalp tickets to a group of preteen girls. . .

We decided on dinner at MOO(in the cellar of the old money order office) on Little Bourke St. So romantic. It occurred to us that this was actually our first official date. . . . sweet. We had both duck leg soup and noodles. Then I had the Beef, DC had the salmon. Food was amazing. Company was even better. First date was a success :o)

After dinner, decided on a bottle of wine and a curl up at home. Then I wanted junk food. . . . so we went to Coles - picked up some Vaalia Lactose Free French Vanilla Yoghurt, peaches, Dairy free chocolate and chocolate soy ice cream. Then proceeded to lay in bed with the bottle of wine, started watching legally blonde, but ended up messin around til we fell asleep.
Another wonderful day. Another contented sigh. . . ahhhhhhh. . .

Friday morning, Dean had to go to work and I was meeting Chalks for lunch, then my family for the afternoon. So we both got ready - DC looks so fucking hot in a suit. . . mmmmmmmmm.

I was supposed to be dropped off for lunch before heading to the city, but there was so much traffic (and Dean just couldn't get his schedule working), So I ended up having to bail on lunch with Chalks, and go meet family straight away.

As it was a coffee date with family, I asked mum to suggest a place. . . well. . . I discovered that the best coffee in Melbourne is (according to my mum) Gloria Jeans on Flinders St! Ha ha ha ha ha ha. . . . Without sounding like too much of a coffee snob, I shot her down a few . . . best coffee in Melbourne . . . mhmm. . . "Hi can I have a tall soy ACIDccino, please."

After that experience, we went over to Federation Square. I have to admit, the building grew on me while I was in Melbourne. I started out hating it, back when it was just finished, I actually thought it was still being built. But over the week, I actually began to appreciate it. Is Melbourne rubbing off on me? So checked out the Gallery there, noice, noice. . .

Said bye to family and went to meet Dean and his AG crew, Steph, Luke, Dave.

Tonight I was meeting Dean's very good friend Pauline for the first time. . . I had only spoken to Pauline once previously, when I was messy, drunk and emotionally vapid. I ended up hanging up on her for something or other. . . Honestly I don’t even think it was hang up worthy, but in the state I was in all anyone had to say was "boo".

So we decided on drinks at Sarti on Russell Place, Little Collins St. Sat outside and had potatoes and red wine and chatted for a couple of hours. I discovered later, that whilst I was in the bathroom, Pauline announced that she thought I was wonderful, and she wanted to have sex with me. Hmmm, would I take up that offer? If I was straight, HELL YEAH! Pauline is a really sexy woman.

I can see how Dean and Pauline get along so well. Both sexy, they actually look like they should be a couple. (Don’t get any ideas mister. . . ha ha ha) Anyways, everyone got tipsy - except me. I think I could have drank equal to everyone else put together and only just be in the same state as them . .

So next I was taken to the hottest, funkiest bar St Jerome's for free drinks c/o Paulina's BF. His name is joel, and he is a fireman. Need I say more? Mmmmm. . .

St Jerome's was this hot non descript bar down an alley way in the middle of no idea. Walk inside, and its pretty slummy, but a serious vibe here. Out the back, and it looks like a manky old laneway all bricked up. Hard to describe but it was all open air, under the stars. The place is awesome.

Headed home about 1. Dean and I in the back seat getting a bit hot'n'heavy, Chalks and Pauline in the front, making funny noises. . . they just wanted to be a part of it, I'm sure :op

Got inside and curled up in bed chatting. Dean ended up passing out mid-way through conversation.

Saturday morning, we get ready. Dean for work, I was meeting family again. We went to Verve on Little Collins St - the best coffee in Melbourne. That’s one of the things I went there for!

Met family for some time out at Warrandyte. Nice there, something like Kangaroo Valley. Same style, antique places etc. It was nice. Russell (Mums Man) decided he was going to have an 'I love Melbourne' moment....Docklands.... Oh God, we did the full tour of Docklands, the whole time Russ telling me all about it, how long it will take, what they are doing, what the land used to be etc etc. . . drove me crazy, but it did get me more interested in buying there. . . maybe that was his plan?

Said good bye to the family, and met Dean after work and headed home. Ended up so relaxed, decided not to go out, but instead meet up with Chalks for some cheap asian.
Headed to Victoria Street Richmond looking for an asian restaurant not filled with Anglos. They all were, so we picked one that wasn’t as white as the others.

After dinner, we went home. Dean and I had a really good talk - quite the D&M. We both fell asleep mid conversation about 3am. Great night. Great talk. Everything was perfect. He really is a sweet guy. So very comfortable here.

Sunday morning went to Babble around Greville Street. . . funny service there. One minute they were cheery and happy, next I was being told that the alteration to my order was an inconvenience. . . then suddenly they were really cheerful again. Maybe they had a late night. . . . so, rolled out about 10 pounds heavier, and down Chapel St to try and walk it off. Went to the Peter Alexander store, where Dean bought me some "Lounge Pants". Well, I don't know what else to call them, but Dean seems to think the term is quite funny. I still don’t think he has offered me an alternative that he won't laugh about. . . .

Anyway, met up with Imma, for a coffee at Kazbar, before she started work. Popped in to AG Chapel St and met Matt and Chris.

Sunday afternoon consisted of a walk around Alexander Gardens in East Melbourne, then to Southgate for a walk by the Yarra and ended up at Bear Brass for some Stellas. Dean got drunk, so I got to drive the Merc. We went to Brunswick St Fitzroy to meet Pauline and Joel (remember the hot fireman?) at Bimbo's. This bar was fucking bizarre. It was kind of Newtown meets Madam Lash. The whole place was dark, smokey, old couches everywhere and was decorated with dolls. There was this freaky S&M doll hanging above the bar upside down in a rack with a huge cock. Interesting. . .

Talked about love and life, and the preceeding evening's events. Scored some hot sunnies from Joel, cos I liked them and he was happy to hand them over and get replacements himself. . . sweet.

Sunday night we went to Chocolate Buddha at Federation Square. It was a Japanese place, great food. Went for a nice walk along the Yarra by night. Afterwards, we headed to gay night at Candy Bar and had a bottle of wine. Funny, how I had said I didn’t want to do gay bars while I was there. . . and we ended up at one anyway. I think it was actually at my request! Went home about 12, rolled around. . . . mmmmmm. . . went to sleep.

monday. last day. sad.

We laid in bed for as long as possible. Right up until we had to meet Chalks for lunch on Bridge Road, Richmond. Just parking the car, and we run into Dean's sister Devi. I initially wasn’t sure if she knew who I was, or whether I had ot pretend to be someone else. . . . but was all good. No need to worry.

Moved onto the city to meet Imma for lunch - last drink at Hairy Canary. Wandered down Little Collins to meet Carmel at AG Womens. The only one I hadn't met yet, I think. The rest of the afternoon we spent just wandering around the city, looking at computers, undies, memory cards, music and dvd's - all hand in hand. It was all really sweet. So cute. So confortable.

It was time to head back. . . time to pack and get ready.

Of course, we were not going to let the last day go by without. . . really, really, really, fucking hot sex to Future Retro (hot new CD). Afterwards, it was so hard to pack, knowing that it was all finished. I so didn't want to leave. Dean drove me to the airport. It was a strange trip, both of us feeling down. Bright point, Dean wore his white cap . . . so cute.

Ate good but slow noodles at airport. Lots of sighs.

Stood in departure lounge. Hugged, kissed, talked, hugged, kissed talked....and then it was boarding time.

Thank you for the most wonderful time, Dean. It has been 2 days now, and I am missing you like crazy. Atleast I get to talk to you every day by phone, and we have video calling. . . . but I wish it was face to face. I want to be able to touch you when I talk to you.